Dropping the Romantic
Love Tug of War
Romantic Love: The sentiment, illusion, and common belief that two strangers are meant to function, think, and behave alike. Soulmates are a fable of unconditional love, based in our longing to be one in pursuit of True Love, but on a level where that is actually not possible. As personal egos, we cannot be one. We are not of one soul, but of the same fire that ignites all flames. Each being a light unto oneself. Romantic Love has to be the beginning…
LOVE is the power, the source of all creation. You and everything else are born from that source: you are Love and Light. Light is a frequency in every cell of your body. In this realm of density, our being is embodied. What you give your attention and your juice to is up to you, because Life will illuminate whatever you give your energy to. Consciousness contains subconscious and unconscious impulses. You are blessed with higher knowing. It is up to you to wake up to it. When you discover you can let go of your emotions, you return to feeling and being Love. Your natural state of being.
Let’s go back to the 80s for a moment. I was in my early 20s and had just quit my regular job as a physical therapist in Hamburg to start a disco instead. It was in the swing of time after the Indian gurus had been introduced through the Beatles — and, mind you, the Beatles became famous at a club in Hamburg.
It was the heyday of spiritual awakening and being free to BE. The romantic borders of traditional relationship were pushed out and loosened up, and all old-fashioned ideas had burst. The woman no longer was chained to the man. Sexual Freedom was a must, and in retrospect, beyond women’s liberation, a breeding ground for other ways of exploiting the feminine. My experiences of this time prepared me to find my divine lover.
In the 90s, when I was in my 30s, I reached a place in me where I was ready to commit to one man in a serious quest of “Is Love choosing us to be together?” Not only should he hold my heart, but practice self-care, for the body is a temple. He had to mean what he said, be meditative and aware, a spiritual go-getter with a sense for detail down to the very nuance in every shade. He had to be passionate and willing. A man to whom I represent all women and who represents all men for me — Man, I was intense!
I decided enough experimenting with the scale of emotions from the highest high to the lowest low. I had a true awakening about what I need. I no longer mistook dramas for an “exciting Life.” My course was set to find a furnace instead of matches. On that mission, I talked to the Angels and opened my heart wide to be absolutely, bluntly transparent, revealing all my feelings and thoughts, even the secrets I want to hide. So often, my sentences started with “I am scared you will not love me anymore, if I tell you, what you do that drives me nuts.” It was a glorious, exciting time of exploring depth and intimacy beyond my own mental concepts. I did not know then, that I am that love-able or deserving.
Let’s kick the habit of this dramatic, emotional, personal tug of war.
This is what works for me: Commit yourself to maintaining LOVE between you and your partner above all else. Serving Love is the origin of all longing. Rather than subconsciously fulfilling your personal investments (your sense of righteousness, control, or your need to be safe), claim your choice, use your loving nature, and help yourself. You ARE the change. Be generous, be glorious. Reflect each other relentlessly, honestly, and as clearly as possible. Like crystal clear mirrors, no veils, with risks that you might not be liked for your reflecting. The motto: Do not kill the messenger for the message. Watch your reactions — the stronger the reaction, the better opportunity to see why you are triggered. Become aware of how you defend yourself. Can you be vulnerable, instead of being right? Risk to let down the defensive, habitual, sharp edges. Often anger is the doorway to see. Open yourself, saying YES to being responsible and finding solutions; to not blame or shame, even though you would like to. You are responsible for your own happiness. Stop expecting your partner to be psychic. Instead of yipping, criticizing, or punishing the other, find out what you are missing, where you feel abandoned, or where you need more attention. Drop all expectations by observing them first. Then, let your partner know how you feel. What does that bring up in you? Create 5 minutes each at the end of day, or 10 minutes each once per week, for “unloading” — instead of assuming that, because your partner loves you, you can use him/her as a garbage bin. Make dates and court each other. Allow distancing from each other when you need it. Never take each other for granted — do not let the passion die. To this day, after 25 years of togetherness, I still am happy to see and be with my man. Should that be different, I look at what is between us, that I may not have yet allowed in myself first. If it is important, I let him know what I find that has created a feeling of distance, secrecy or separation, or simply what bugs me. Ask yourself “Who am I?” and “Who am I kidding?” in this relationship. Choose to be a Light unto yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses, and do not pretend in any relationship, if you dare. Count your blessings to have been chosen to be Divine Love. Challenging times are the thorns of the rose of true blossoming and bliss, because your heart can do what it does best — LOVE and accept — say YES to your heart more than to the fear that wants to protect you, that wants you to close your heart in the process.
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